Rant: Why is it so hard to meet new people??

[UVsaturated]

I just have to get this off my chest before I get off to work, so I won't explode!!

Why is it so hard to meet new people for friendship/dating?? I am like wracking my brains trying to get some edge in placing a personal ad to no avail.

Maybe I am not patient enough, but it's funny that I will reply to any personal that even remotely strikes my interest just to find out more information about someone - just in case there might be more to a person than a simple ad can say. I don't know what else to write or say that would be any more truer than the person I am to get someone to notice.

Well, now I feel just slightly better. At least I know that I will have some comments to ponder when I get home. Thanks for listening.

[Wolfie]

Ben, I met my guy Doug through a personal ad back in 93. We've been together ever since. I simply placed an ad in the local personal ads in San Jose, CA. Doug was one of 4 men I met through that ad. Be patient. Make your ad sound interesting! Have fun with the ad. Let yourself come through, don't use a cookie-cutter ad.

[tcmorrison]

Ben, unfortunately I've never had to place a personal ad, but I will put my in, if I was reading a personal ad. BE YOURSELF. There is someone out there for you! And you never know where it's going to come from. If I was looking, using personal ads, I would be upset if the person was not who and what he said he was.

Met my hubby at the convenience store where I worked, after being told by friends less than a month before that I needed to go out more...I was NEVER going to find anyone decent at the store. Not that I was looking!!!! And then love found me. We've been together for almost 7 years now, married for almost 6 of that, have my 3 children from my first marriage and a 3 year old together. Oh, and that's just at home...he has 2 adult children from his first marriage, (who I get along with pretty well) and 2 grandchildren.

Terri

[heidiiiii]

You have to just be yourself. If you are humorous..reflect that in your writing. If you arent getting any nibbles yet..it is because that *extra special person out there that is just for you * hasnt read it yet!

I met my hubby at Kentucky Fried Chicken 22 years ago...Funny, huh? And we cant even eat that stuff anymore..Cholestrol will kill us..hahaha

I personally will be rooting for you from all the way over here.

[Intrinsicat]

I don't think it's difficult meeting people... I think it's difficult meeting interesting people. And I've pretty much given that up. I know that sounds negative, but since I've been there done that, at thirty-six I just have no desire to do the whole meet and greet thing when I'm pretty content by myself. Maybe I'll feel differently in the empty nest years, or I'll get lucky and stumble across someone, but I have zero drive to fit someone new into my life right now (or I've just become terribly complacent).

But, I don't think I'm the norm... and I do think there is success in the online personals - I wrote one for my brother and he's now married to the first person who replied all those 8 years ago! So, maybe if you think someone else like a sibling could write a more endearing personal for you, a woman might get a kick out of reading something not in first-person.

Another thing I've noticed in reading personals is that it's better to share your activity list than your list of vague traits. Concrete things like fixing dollhouses are better reads than "soft spoken guy, likes to cuddle", and does a better job of painting a picture of someone.

You may want to be on more than one group too, if you are only on one currently. In the past I've used Plentyoffish.com and gk2gk.com and like the layout of both.

My last bit of advice would be, when you do start chatting, just keep it friendly... even when you go out. In meeting people no matter how I clicked (or didn't) it was always much more enjoyable to just have fun for the evening and not make it an interview - you can usually determine within 5 minutes of talking about the weather if there is really any chemistry, so keep it light.

And if you still feel like you get the cold shoulder, you might be subconsciously exuding a lack of confidence you need to find a way to build. In reading your profile just here it sounds like you have a lot to be happy and content about (kids, hobbies, etc.), so that should be making you glow during dates!

Hope that was some semblance of help - good luck in your search!

[cheherzad]

Hi Ben,

It can be so frustrating to yearn for that special someone. Posting in the ads can be rewarding, but do be careful. I would think that people writing about themselves won't be blabbing about any flaws. Make a list of what you want in another person, then add the non-negotiables. If religious, cultural, political differences are of importance to you. You may not think this is major, but if you are of generous heart and you suddenly find your partner counts every penny, it could be a deal breaker. Not to mention a heart breaker. Go to social events, church gatherings, miniature shows, evening classes where you pursue your interests. In other words, if you make yourself available enough, love will find you. There are a lot of young ladies out there hoping you will show up. Don't keep them waiting!

[Missymew]

My husband told me an amusing story a couple of months ago. One of the guys he works with is divorced, and went to an online dating service. His first arranged date.......was his ex-wife. My husband is still laughing at that one.

My darling husband of 30 years and I met at a church skating event for young people. I was 18 and Ray was 25. I'd gone with a girlfriend who'd recently broken with her boyfriend. I took her along hoping to cheer her up. It was me that met the love of my life.

Best wishes, and hang in there.

-Susanne

[4miniloves]

be patcient, there really is someone right out there for everyone . This is from someone who never believed that. I went to the same college as my hubby and dated a friend of his throughout me student career. I was hopelessly lonely. My dear friend said she had just ran into Harley (my DH) and he was singing the same sad story. Hook line and sinker I fell... ocassionaly I fell like throwing him back! But I NEVER thought I would Ever meet ANYONE!

[chesterfieldzoo]

Don't lose hope. When I separated, I never wanted to marry again. Out of boredom though, I answered 10 personal ads in the newspaper. I got 3 responses. 1 from a man older than my father, 1 from a guy who was only looking for a 'phone voice' let's say, and my husband (now). For some reason I sent a picture with my letter to him - it was before computers and you had to respond with letters. He called and we married 4 months later. 3 weeks after my divorce was final. So much for never marrying again. That was 21 years ago.

What I liked about his ad (which was written by a coworker) was that it was open and honest. There was no mention of 'athletic' looking for 'slim blonde' or 'perfect' looking for 'perfect' type stuff. And when he called, he said looks were not a priority with him, but interests and personality were. So like it was mentioned - name things you like, not what you are looking for. Then someone with the same interests hopefully will see it.

The funniest ad I read (it was a joke) was 'man looking for woman who likes fishing, cooking and camping who has a boat - send picture of boat'.

[Minis On The Edge]

I never thouhgt I would meet that special someone for me and I almost missed him!! I met my husband on a split second decision and a bet .

Shhhhhhhh......This is a BIG secret. My parents nor my husbands know the truth about how we met (They can find out now after I posted this) I met my husband like this,

It was a hot day in 1992 and I was at a stop light and I saw him, he gave me eye contact for a brief second and my friend and I both though he was cute. He was turning going the opposite direction I was. I was in the car with my Best friend and I am a very shy person in real life. I had just got my license to drive and because I was so new at driving, she dared me to catch up to him and ask for his number (She bet that I could not catch up and if I did and got his number, she would treat me to dinner). Well, for some strange reason, I did it (And it was totally out of character for me then as it is for me now ). After 2 stop lights and me blowing my horn trying to get his attention, I asked him for his name & number and he gave it to me and I got my dinner.

After dinner, she dared me to call it saying she bet it was a bogus number, it wasn't and now we have been married for 14 years (We dated for 2) B)

Be yourself Ben, and some times it is okay to act out of character to get something (Or someone in this case) you want (Me asking for a guys number, a stranger at that, was out of character for me for sure) . I had just broke up with a guy when I met my husband and I was not even thinking about meeting someone. I prayed about meeting the right person for me and I wonder "what if I did not follow him?" I would have missed out on some of the best years in my life.

Be yourself. You never know, that special person may be crossing paths with you.

[cheherzad]

I was 19 when I met my future husband. It was 1966 and I had just moved away from home. My roommate and I found this neat apartment on the beach. ($80. a month in those easy times) He was a young sailor who happened to live upstairs and invited us up for a beer. Now I've never been a drinker, so we worked it out for her to down hers then switch cans when he wasn't looking. I thought he was interested in her, but this wasn't the case, and here we are 40 years later. He has been the life partner that I could only dream about. We held each other when one of our children died, he was my biggest supporter when I started accumulating degrees. We became a team when given temporary custody of our baby granddaughter. These were the times I would step back and realize I had fallen in love all over again. Oh, and he still brings up the beer story. Seems those were his last two beers. Now if he would just come to see reason about my miniature habit...

[UVsaturated]

Hope that was some semblance of help - good luck in your search!

You hit the nail right on the head. I milled over this topic in my mind at work all night. I know exactly what I want, but there is a big difference in meeting someone and meeting someone interesting. Reading personals is pretty interesting to me, because its almost like reading what you are and then figuring out what is missing and what needs to be there, if that makes any sense.

You're right though. I have met people that you cannot get them to discuss anything about them, mainly because they are like a closed box and then you have people who are extremely interesting because they enjoy doing so much stuff. The problem is, either one of those types can have a personality trait that conflicts with yours, so it seems like you are judging them on two different arenas - one being the fact that they are passionate about life and have goals and dreams, and the other is that they aren't some kind of wacko who is an axe murderer.

I am starting to get the hang of it, only took 38 years now.

BTW, thanks everyone for your posts. I new the gang here would say something and that is encouraging.

[UVsaturated]

What I liked about his ad (which was written by a coworker) was that it was open and honest. There was no mention of 'athletic' looking for 'slim blonde' or 'perfect' looking for 'perfect' type stuff.

No doubt. That's how I am. I met my ex sight unseen, just because I thought I knew her. She was as described personality wise, but all that changed after a short time and she became just the opposite that I had hoped for. Now I am pretty patient and tolerant and all that, but I learned a lot just from the stuff I didn't ask or try to figure out beforehand - like how people are needy and want companionship to supplement their lives instead of compliment there lives. I never fully understood all that before, but I am starting to realize how much easier it is to read people.

Yes, I cannot stand it when right out of the box I am asked what I look like and such. If I was the hunk hunk hunkiest guy on the planet it wouldn't make a bit of difference if I was a terrible person. The same goes for women too.

[chesterfieldzoo]

Like everything else, things usually happen when you either give up on it or don't expect it. When you try hard to find something, you often miss what is under your nose. I am sure things will work out good for you.

[KathieB]

Hey, Ben ... the wedding I went to in California last weekend was my cousin's ... he and his new bride met through eHarmony.com a couple of years ago. During the ceremony, the minister said that all couples go through counseling before he'll marry them, and he administers a compatibility test as part of the process. He said Rich and Cheryl scored off the charts ... in addition to the eHarmony compatibility formula, they'd dated for two years and had come to know one another very well.

My late husband was a blind date that went right. I wasn't looking to get married, was having a good time working and traveling the world. However, we clicked the moment we met. I was a widow for 17 years after he died. Dated a little, but was perfectly content to be single. I'm good company for me.

My current husband and I met on line in a casual chat room. Wasn't a meet market, really, but we discovered similar interests and values and one thing led to another.

In both cases, I met these great men only after I'd become comfortable being alone. Enjoy life, Ben, be yourself and have a good time ... and she'll find you. B)

[UVsaturated]

Thanks Kathie!

[havanaholly]

Ben, DH & I met at University, he used to come to church on Sundays and go to lunch with us all in a group and after six months of this he asked me out & proposed on our first date. I asked him to ask me again when he was sober, which he did, a month later, and we both graduated that summer & were married the next day, which will be 45 years ago this coming up August.

We belong to a paddling club, a bicycle club and a hiking club, and so far one pair of friends have married & another pair are house-shopping; you are a whole lot liklier to find someone who shares your interests if you stop "hunting" and get out there and pursue activities that you enjoy; you're a lot liklier to meet someone that way.

[UVsaturated]

We belong to a paddling club, a bicycle club and a hiking club, and so far one pair of friends have married & another pair are house-shopping; you are a whole lot liklier to find someone who shares your interests if you stop "hunting" and get out there and pursue activities that you enjoy; you're a lot liklier to meet someone that way.

I need a miniatures workshop around here! Yeah thats the ticket. I see what you mean though. I really do appreciate everyone's stories and suggestions.

Okay I am better now.

If I get anxious again I will come back here and read this through again.

[SallyG]

I hear ya, Ben. I met my husband on Yahoo personals. I had given up finding a nice guy. I had been online for about 3 or 4 months and wasn't having much luck. I had decided to delete my ad and give up on the personals.

My husband, who had no computer experience at all, had seen the Yahoo personals ads on TV and, having been alone for 4 years, decided to try it. He got a co-worker, who had a computer, to put together an ad for him. He browsed the ads first, saw my ad, and told her to send me an email. He told her to put his phone number in it. She told him that you should never put your phone number in, but he insisted.

Meanwhile, I came home from work and got ready to delete my ad. First I checked the emails. There were 3 or 4 responses, which I skimmed over and deleted. I pulled his up and read it. It was very short...just that he'd seen my ad and would like to meet me, plus his phone number. Well, this was the first time anyone had included their phone number. I noticed he was local. I mulled it over an hour and a half and decided to call him....to tell him you should NEVER put your phone number in a personal ad! We started chatting and talked for an hour and a half. I agreed to meet him in 2 days...and I didn't even know what he looked like! He sent me a pic the next day, so I'd know who I was looking for at the pub.

We hit it off and got married 2 years later. I was the first and only woman he'd met online. I'd met several men....but none seemed to be what I was looking for.

I'm just glad I checked my emails before I deleted my ad!!!

My sons have the same complaint...they can't find a nice girl. They are in their 20's. I just tell them that sooner or later, they will meet someone nice...but go to the places where nice girls might be...NOT THE BAR! Church, volunteer work, clubs, etc....and try the personals.

There are plenty of women out there...just don't give up!! 

[havanaholly]

That was DS#3's complaint, too, and he got so tired of his mom telling him the "right" girl for him was out there. After a couple of real duds on his own a mutual friend introduced him to the nice lady he's courting now.

[wenlaine]

Ben, I can only agree with everyone else. Relax and let things happen and I believe what KathieB said is the absolute truth. You've got to reach a point where you like being alone and enjoy your own company. Thank goodness for the internet, it's a great way to meet new people. Get yourself a webcam and join all the chat programs that are out there. Bring a cup of coffee with you and ask the women (one at a time, of course) to join you for a coffee. When you find a girl that interests you, you can make dates for online meetings until you feel comfortable enough to meet in person. I can't tell you the number of couples I have met online who have gotten together, either married or living together and I think it's fabulous. From a woman's perspective, it would be the way I would choose to meet someone.

[havanaholly]

reach a point where you like being alone and enjoy your own company

Women are attracted to men who are comfortable with themselves; as a corrolary, I suggest you look for the same quality in a woman. If you're good company and enjoy being alone with yourself, so will other people enjoy being with you.

[Missymew]

A young man that I work with plans to propose to his girlfriend this weekend.

He told me that he has known her for a number of years, but that they only started a romantic relationship last Fall. They'd been friends for years.

He said that meeting me and hearing my husband and I on the phone made him realize how very important it was to be good friends. Ray and I've been married 30 years and still make each other laugh. We can talk about nearly anything. I say, nearly, because there are always things that you'll disagree on. The trick is to still love each other and agree to disagree. I'd not have wanted to have married someone who expected me to change my mind just for the sake of agreement.

If I were looking for someone to have a permanent relationship with, I'd definitely join bookclubs, miniature groups, attend book readings at the library and bookstores. I'd check out places where I like to go: art galleries, museums, libraries.

There's someone out there for you, and she's also trying to find a way to meet you. Go where you're happy, content and alive. I guarantee you that's where she is too.

-Susanne

[UVsaturated]

That's a great story Sally. I especially like the part about meeting him sight unseen. I've met women who are lookers and the average and it's almost 90% their attitude, character, and personality that does it for me. So I try to find out those things first. Usually a photo is not the best way to get to know someone or even a good starting point, because they me be a really great person and you might decide not to talk to them just based on their appearance alone. It also makes you rate yourself compared to them on appearance which is also a bad thing. I don't know how many times I have looked at a photo and said to myself "Wow, she is probably out of my league."

[havanaholly]

Well if that's YOU in your avatar, you are not bad on these ol' eyes, Ben!