MIL from H***

[nechee]

Now here is the background info. My Dh and I have been living with his parents for more then 2 years. Before that we lived in an apartment in the same building with his parents, just one floor up. We have not been able to have our own lives in the 5 years we have known each other. We have three kids, ages 4, 3, and 2. His mother absolutely hates me and has made no secret of it to me. Now in front of her son, my DH, she acts like a perfect person to the point of being sickeningly sweet. My DH did not believe me when I told him what she said and did to me during the day while he was at work. But all that aside. This past weekend by DH and his mother got in a very LOUD fight. All over the rent which she has refused to pay her share of for the last 3 months. My DH finally got sick of it and told her to leave if she was not going to pay her share of things. She got angry at that and said that it was all my fault and that I told him to kick her out. He stuck up for me and his own mother told him that he was not her son anymore she would have nothing to do with him until he divorced me. He has told me that he is not listening to her and he even apologized for not beilieving me when I told him all the things she had been doing over the last 5 years. He is upset that his mother is not talking to him but has said that if she cannot accept his choice of a wife then she is not welcome anyway. I have to say that I am very proud of my husband but I can't believe that a mother could do that to their own child. She is a very controlling woman and has to have things her way or else there is h*** to pay.

I guess I just don't understand how a mother could disown their child. I could never do that to one of my kids, not now not ever. This woman's children are 31, 30, and 27 and she still runs their lives like they are young children and they have let her up until now when my DH put his foot down. Now her other children will have nothing to do with her and of course that is my fault. I guess if falling in love with her son was a bad thing then yes i am at fault.

Sorry for the long rant but I needed to tell someone and typing this made me feel how silly she is being and that it is not my fault for what she has brought down herself.

[KathieB]

Ouch. I'm sorry you're living in such turmoil. What a toxic environment for you and the children. Three cheers for DH taking a stand. If the evil MIL won't leave, I hope you and your family can manage to find a place of your own. Am lighting a candle to send some peace your way.

[New Day]

Kathie,

I'm so sorry that you and your DH are going through this. I could never disown my children either. (although I have seen situations where a person needs to protect themselves from a child's behavior - this is not one of those situations) If she is that controlling, she may also have that "needy" gene when it comes to her kids, and will take back what she said eventually when she sees that her manipulation won't work. (just speculation on my part, but I have seen it happen just that way before with other families)

Best wishes and hugs to you. Thank goodness your DH is standing his ground and sticking up for himself and you!

[Minis On The Edge]

So Sorry you are dealing with this! It's sad but true that family are not always as close as one would think. Maybe you and your husbands relationship will get stronger now that she is out of the picture.

[nechee]

She has moved out and is living in the back of her van. We sent the kids to my parents house so they did not have to see all the turmoil of the weekend. Her daughters do not want her living with them and neither do either of their spouses. Her son was the only one who took her and her husband in when they were in financial need. I feel bad that they are living in a van but not that bad. I am more concerned over my children and my husband. they are used to having her wround everyday all day. I can do without her. Thank you everyone for your thoughts and prayers.

[heidiiiii]

Bravo to Dh!!

When you get married, you stick up for your spouse at all times. You are always your mother`s child but your spouse is your buddy...buddies stick together thru thick and thin.

Mom is just mad that she didn't get her way. It will be her loss if she continues with her temper tantrum. I never understood parents that do that to their kids. I lived in a very dysfunctional house but my mother NEVER did that.

You love your kids NO MATTER WHAT.

I am sorry you have to live like that and I hope you all can get it straightened out very soon.

Oh.. edit!

They chose to live in their van instead of working out their issues?? What is wrong with this picture?

Stay Strong.

[Esther]

I think she's not "disowning her son" so much as trying to manipulate the situation more. She's really saying "look at me, my daughter in law has stolen my son from me and now I have to live in my van".

Stay strong. I think she's just trying to manipulate him and coltrol the situation again.

I had one of those monster-in-laws in my first marriage. Once she told me, "he can always get a new wife, but I'll always be his mother!". Well she was right. He's had two more wives and two more divorces since me.

[uppitycats]

I'm sorry you are having to go through all this. I hope your husband continues to stay strong and doesn't take her back in. I'm assuming this is your (you and your husband's) apartment, and your name is on the lease/rental agreement? If so, then she'll just have to find another place to live. Sounds like she has a husband, too? They are grown-ups; they'll survive.

Parents can and do disown their children. I was disowned, for example. Long story there..but parental bonds are not as strong, sometimes, as folks assume they are, or should be.

I hope this works out for all of you.

[tracibobs]

I know all about mil trust me mine hates me to a point most would not belive. I 'll share this with sio you know you are not alone me and my husband had a very beautifull baby boy Christopher michael when he was 7 weeks old dec 31st we woke up found out he had passed away in the night with sids i was to put in beside myself the wake came and of corse i was crying hes mother came over to me and said And i quote if you had picked a cheaper casket you would not be crying trying to figure out how to pay for everything i ran to the bathroom in tears after my hubby jay had it out with her. two weeks later we went to her and jays church i went in the nursery and was taken aside after and told they did not want me alone in the nursery anymore i found out later that day that his mother had told the church i killed my baby because i did not want tobe a mother anymore. The was the last time we went to that church and also the last time we spoke to her and i must say our lives have been better she never liked me im cathloic thier baptist so to her thats a no no. So I really do know what your going through and hope things get better for you soon

[SallyG]

Been there, done that also...with my first MIL....!! For the life of me, I can't figure out how some women can be such "you-know-what's". It's GOT to be jealously of the wife, because I can't think of any other reason...it's sad that they can't understand their place in their son's life. I have 4 boys and I'd welcome a wife with open arms for either of them!!! 

I'm glad your husband is standing up to her. That's the right thing to do because otherwise she will only get worse. His mother is using the "disowning" ploy to try and get her way....and also garner sympathy. 

Stand up to her and don't back down. Sooner or later she will either realize she can't control your lives anymore and back off...or she will really "disown" you and leave you alone. (the second option is actually the best one)

It really makes you feel like giving her a couple of good slaps, doesn't it?

[heidiiiii]

*passing the Green Apple Pucker*

Take a swig and try to enjoy the peace and quiet in your home. :yay:

[Missymew]

I'm sending hugs. How horrible that these mother's can be so uncaring towards their sons and daughters-in-law. I wasn't able to have children but enjoy my nieces and nephews. Anybody that they choose to be their life partners will be okay by me. If they love their partner/husband/wife, then who am I to not accept them? I love my nieces and nephews and trust their judgements.

-Susanne

[grazhina]

My in law was a beast from hell too. The day DH and I got back from our honeymoon she told me she would always be first in his heart and I would always be second to her. We had to live with that woman for a month til we managed to get our own apartment. I found out that she told all her sisters and neighbors what a horrible person I was. Eventually I just resolved to have nothing to do with her, I told DH that everytime she saw me she found more fault with me and more stories to relate to her cronies, so why fuel the fire?

In over 20 years I only saw her 2 or 3 times and she never stopped complaining about me to anyone who would listen. She put down my family to my children every Sunday that DH took the kids to see her. My daughter would often come home in tears. Eventually DH said he'd put the kids through enough and stopped taking them.

When she got old she broke her leg and had to be put in a nursing home. After a week or two they called and said they wanted her removed. She was upsetting the staff and other patients.

She was one mean woman.

[alycemina]

well, some people are soooo mean! my mother didnt like her own children but pretended to love other people's kids. she said some of the meanest things to me over the years, but in the end, i was the only child that gave her the time of day and took care of her before she died (she was in assisted living and then a local nursing home about a mile from me). however, about 10 years before she died, i gave her 'a piece of my mind' and really told her off. she didnt get it but it sure made me feel better. i didnt have much to do with her for about 5 years, but then decided that when she died, i would likely regret being mean back, so i tried to accept her but did keep her in line too. a lot of meanies will just go pick on someone else if you dont play their game. try it ... you may be surprised what a good telling off might do!

[nechee]

My DH does not understand why this is happening. He says it is not my fault like his mother is making everyone believe. I am glad he is sticking behind me. He hasn't before against his mother but I was able to stand my own ground, but it is nice to have back up. She is even pushing 2 of our kids away. We have a boy and 2 girls and she is pushing away the two girls and only talking to our boy. And when our son sees her he comes home with a VERY bad temper. My DH has said that if she cannot take all kids then she gets none of them. And that if our son keeps coming home with the attitude that he has been that she is not seeing them for a while. A friend of hers took them in so they are no longer living in a van. But I am not going to see this woman turn her back on her granddaughters over her own pettiness. I just hope everything works in the end. My DH and I are planning on moving in 2 months and he does not even know if he is going to tell his mother the new address.

[KathieB]

We have a boy and 2 girls and she is pushing away the two girls and only talking to our boy. And when our son sees her he comes home with a VERY bad temper. My DH has said that if she cannot take all kids then she gets none of them. And that if our son keeps coming home with the attitude that he has been that she is not seeing them for a while.

The kids aren't missing much by not seeing her, especially if she upsets them. I'd cut off the visits now, before it gets worse. I can understand your husband wanting his children to have contact with his family, but I used the word toxic before, and I still don't think it's too strong a term. Let the children initiate contact when they get older if they feel a need. Meanwhile, protect them from this situation. Let them understand that you and their father are their family and that you love them very much and that grandma is mad about something that isn't their fault, so they won't be seeing her for a while. They will probably be relieved.

[prariegurl]

I am so sorry you were treated this way. Now that your DH is standing with you, you truly have a marriage. As your life partner, it is his obligation to do so.

Stay strong and don't feel bad. It is not your fault that she alienated everyone and has few options as a result. When you take in a relative, it's not asking too much that you are treated with courtesy and respect, and that she not play mind games with the children. If she isn't enough of a human being to meet this miinmum standard of behavior, then she can live in van.

[CJEP]

Kathie, I am so sorry you are going through this. I have some mother-in-law issues. She has a lot of trouble letting go of her only son as well. Of course it didn't help that they lived together until (well after) we were married and he really played the role of husband for her once he was an adult. He was 41 when we were married. She moved out within a few months because she couldn't handle having another woman in the house. Luckily for me my DH knows what his mother is like so he stuck by me the entire time. Now our issues are dealing with her once I have our first child in January.

Anyway, stay strong. I also agree that the kids are not losing anything by not seeing her if she is acting this way. If she is negative about you (and your husband) they are just going to resent her. Keep them away from her until things calm down. Hopefully they will calm down. Good luck. Sending lots of hugs and prayers your way.

[Wolfie]

MIL's are a touchy subject. I've had two in my lifetime, a great one and a very cold one. The cold one was from Europe and because I was not of her ethnic background, she was very angry with my husband for marrying me - after all I was only an American girl and she had wanted one of his own kind. I was an outsider for almost 20 years.......at parties no one would speak to me because I didn't speak their language. I was OK to babysit the kids they brought with them, but not OK to be part of the party. What a relief when my marriage broke apart....no more MIL.

[ilovecats]

Sorry to hear about this, sounds like it's a good thing she moved out. The fact that she is living in a van is her own fault.

I had MIL issues, I lived with my in-laws for 6 months before I got married. THat was rough, but during that time I was planning my wedding and that was a horrible, horrible experience. It made life hell for the past couple of months. I won't go into all of the details but it was very tense to live there and either I was crying or she was. She was very angry with me all the time. In the end I got along pretty well with her but she was always trying to change me and I was labelled as stubborn because I refused to change alot of how I did things and who I was. It was a constant fight over the years...my ex husband and my MIL tried to repeatedly shape and mold me. I was never right. At least she developed respect for who I was and always said so. Of course the breakup of the marriage was my fault. How can someone fight that when the exhusband manipulated and made himself into a victim. She knew what he was like and still believed all his BS. Ah well, that is in the past.

Now my mother is another fun story. She is someone who never should have had children and she had 7. She definately shouldn't have had female children. Most of us don't talk to her, she's a manipulative, backstabbing, self centered person. She's going to end up alone after her husband dies. His health is poor. It's her own fault and I don't miss having her in my life. Sometimes the family bond needs to be broken, especially when it's a toxic dysfunctional bond.

[heidiiiii]

Sometimes the family bond needs to be broken, especially when it's a toxic dysfunctional bond.

I do not talk to my sister for that very reason. After my mom passed away I didnt have that hold of having to answer her calls, let her come over to my house, and create havoc in my life. That woman. I would tell her how it was and she still refused to hear it. So I cut her off. It has been 5 years now.

Most would say you should have a bond with your immediate family but if it is going to only cause you harm and strife on a regular basis..which is more important?

[tcmorrison]

Kathie,

I'm so glad for you that your hubby is with you all the way on this...it is only going to make your marriage stronger.

I too have had issues with a MIL. My first one, of course. The major issue was that she made the mistake of calling me something not so nice in front of my 2nd hubby...he told her where she could take herself. And she wasn't welcome at our house, even to get the kids for awhile. That's the most recent one, and that was like 4 yrs ago. I think it's made a difference that for the last 3 yrs we have lived in Texas and she is in North Carolina. And for the first year and a half, I couldn't deal anymore with her and her son, so it was letters only. Then at Christmas 2006, I decided it had been long enough and I had to get over some of it, if only for the kids, and only with her, not her son. There haven't been any major problems since then.

Kathie, I understand how you feel about keeping your son away from her and I agree with you. It sounds to me like she wants control over everything around her, particularly males. She has got a serious hang-up. And probably needs some professional help, but I have my doubts that she will get it. Just like my ex. You are doing the only thing you can do, protect your children, as best you can. Children have enough to deal with that you can't protect them from and that is part of growing up. They don't need anymore, and neither do YOU and your hubby. And if MIL has a problem, tell her straight up how you feel. You didn't marry her, and you don't have to like her. I don't like to see these kind of problems in families, but sometimes there is NO other choice.

My prayers and hugs to you. Hang in there and stick to your guns.

Terri

[chesterfieldzoo]

I see a pattern here. Her daughters don't like her and won't let them move in. Only will talk to her son. Won't talk to your girls, only the boy. Where is your FIL in all of this? What is he like? I am very happy to hear your DH is standing by you. It is a control issue. If you let her move back in, you will NEVER stand a chance against her as she will consider it a victory of control over your family.

[wenlaine]

It's hard for me to relate to this issue although I agree with everyone else. I had the best MIL in the world with my 1st marriage. Both her and my FIL made me feel very much like a daughter and treated me very well. I was blessed. Even after my divorce, I don't know what I would have done without them. They were always there for me and helped a great deal with raising my son. My issues had always been with a mother like Marg's, one who should never have been a mother.

[Tams]

I can identify with so much of what has been said in this thread. My own family have pretty much disowned me. Mostly because my husband has a different ethnic background than I do, which really makes me mad because we sure weren't raised that way! My father died when I was 11 and I know that if he were still alive, the rest of the family would have to pick a different reason not to like me. They will all talk to my oldest daughter, who recently turned 20, but have nothing to do with Eddie (didn't even attend his wedding nor send a card) or Ashleigh. I still ache to patch things up with all of them, and have my family, even though they have done nothing except hurt me over and over throughout the years. You would think that my heart would learn what my head already knows.

Jerry's family is a different story. When we first married, we lived in Ohio close to them. At that time, although they were nice to me and the kids (they're from a previous marriage) they weren't very friendly to us either. They caused a lot of trouble for Jerry and I and after just a year, we moved away. Jerry chose to not even tell them that we were leaving nor where we went. It was a full two years before he contacted them again. Now we get along very well with his Dad. Jer's "stepmom" is a different story. She's still nice to us, but probably only for his Dad's sake. She's far more interested in her "real" kids, although she raised Jerry from the time he was three.

Jerry's "real" mom is something else. She gave him up, keeping his two sisters and his brother. They all live in California and she never contacted Jerry at all when he was young. It wasn't until 2002 that she decided she wanted a relationship with him. Of course, at first, Jerry was thrilled. Jerry had always dreamed of a relationship with her, and his siblings. That summer, she paid for us to go down to California so Jerry could see all his family. We didn't know that she had decided before we ever left here that she only wanted Jerry and she would do whatever it took to break the two of us up and keep him. In her mind, he was still a three year old boy and that was what she wanted. A 3 year old wouldn't have a wife or kids to her way of thinking. Well, although it was a difficult three months (I got fed up and came back without him), he realized what she was really like and came home. He still hasn't contact her.

****note: edited because of nasty pm's I received about this post. ****