Back again...sorry to be a stranger...

[chattycathy66]

Hi everyone...I can't believe I haven't posted here in soooo long....RL is such a rollercoaster....

I hope you don't mind, but i know lots of you have had this experience...or similar with family, and I guess I just need to write it down to get it out of my system, and wonder if I'm being too harsh....

Remember my grandma had a stroke in Nov, she's been in the nursing home since Feb-unable to go back to her apartment--but it is a really decent place ..My mom is the only daughter(child) left, and I am the only grandchild within a 500 mile range...so all the issues have rested on my mom and I. My aunt-- mom's brother's widow(she's 62) lives in Vegas--she has 2 unmarried daughters,both in their 30's--they both live at home with my aunt, no kids and they all work. They were always telling my grandma about what high-paying important jobs they have. I guess I should also say that 6 yrs ago,for my grandma's birthday, we were all supposed to plan the party together...but they went ahead and did everything without us, and threw this big elaborate party and invited all the Chicago family "for show".

Anyway, these cousins of mine had always been the "favorite" granddaughters--sickening sweet,and my grandma would always sing their praises. They have not seen her in the last 3-5 yrs, and my aunt hasn't been out her in 2summers. When my grandma had her stroke, they would'n't believe it was as bad as we said,and never came out to visit. It's now been about 5 months and they still havent come...my grandma's cancer is advancing and I'd say it will be just months now before she passes--if not sooner. I have been so angry at my aunt and cousins, but just couldn't say anything...was afraid I'd blow up. After I saw my grandma the other day, and saw how she had lost weight in the span of a week, I got an impulse to email my aunt/cousins and ease my conscience--I nicely told them that there is limited time and if they're coming, it should be soon. My one cousin called me almost immediately after I sent it. Basically she told me that my grandma didn't admit how bad things are, ect...and that my aunt has been "down"with severe arthritis flare-up. We had an ok discussion, and she's supposed to call me back tomorrow...not sure why though...

Well...to get to the point, I just got an email from my aunt basically saying that she's already seen my grandma 2 summers ago and spent a week with her (ie, she's fine if she doesn't see her before she dies) It is her MIL, but they were very close. She said she is having financial problems and is afraid to lose her job if she takes a few days off. (maybe she should have saved some of the 27,000 dollars she spent on her fancy inground pool.) She ended with the statement that she's ever mindful that time is short.

AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Let me tell you I totally understand about financial troubles--it's not like I live in a mansion and drive a luxury car and run around in designer clothes....I know you can't avoid your bills to fly out here...but to insinuate that you've already done your time...What about my cousins...they must have their money all tied up in something if they can't come overnite and go back on some "super-saver" flight. My grandma is sooo disappointed that they haven't come--but she doesn't really say it. I'm not unfeeling, but if our grandma is as important to them as they say,they would find a way to see her before she dies.

I don't want to sound like I'm out of touch with the economic situation--my husband works at a car dealership--and people don't buy cars like they used to. But once my grandma's gone,she'll be gone--the economy will probably go up and down and there will be good times and bad--but she'll still be dead---they will never have this opportunity to say goodbye again. NEVER.

Oh well, I did what I could. My grandma knows I'm devoted to her and I guess that's all that matters. They will have to live with any guilt they have over their decision. It just makes me sooo angry that my aunt dismissed me in such an email. My grandma did so much for her, selflessly, when her own parents disowned her (hint,hint)--this is how she repays her years of kindness. I just know that if it was reversed, I'd beg, borrow,or steal to be able to see my grandma one last time.

Thanks for reading...I hate to just pop in to whine...but I guess I just had to say it...sorry to sound like such a b______--maybe I'm just in the "anger" stage of grieving....

[Muriel]

I don't mind you venting at all. Sometimes you just need to chat through things and it shows the nature of the Greenleaf family that many of us will come here for support even when we haven't had much mini time in the last months.

What a sad situation and I understand why you feel angry. Sending you lots of strength to get through the next uncertain months, and for your Grandmother I hope that your cousins and aunt do make it out in time. Ultimately you're doing all you can do and you can't force them to do something they don't want to do. Sending hugs!

[Debz]

Sorry to hear how poorly your Grandma is but as Muriel says you can't force people to visit. My father's sister was really poorly and mum suggested he visit. Said he would do it when he got time (was already retired and lived in the same city). Anyway the poor woman died before he "found time". When her husband got sick he didn't make the same mistake again and visited almost every week until he too passed away. She is very lucky to have you close enough and caring so much about her.

[what2craftnow]

Oh Cathy, I'm so sorry your going through this. It is hard enough to be on the verge of losing a cherished family member without the added stress of seemingly uncaring others in your family. I agree with Muriel though - you are doing all you can do, and the ball is in the other's court so to speak, and they will have to live with their decision's. The sad part is for your Grandma - for someone who has done so much for them, and in her time of need, that they cannot spare the time or money to show her that her's is a life that has been appreciated is incomprehensible to me! :groucho: I would be very angry too. This is not about them or their needs, etc - it is about your Grandma and about having the decency to at least come to see her and tell her that she is loved before it is too late. I hope for your Grandma's sake, they come to their senses long enough to show her that she has meant something in their lives. You can't say it after one is gone from this earth, and I would not be able to live with myself if it were me! My family is as thick as "pea soup" and sometimes it is downright annoying, but when I hear things like this, I am grateful for that "pea soup" - family is everything and I can't imagine not being close with them.

You stay strong and know that you are doing all you can for your Grandma . The rest of them will have to choose their own path and live with it. Sending you and your Grandma gentle {{hugs}} - and a kick in the rump to the other's to put aside their "busy attitudes" and show Grandma she is loved!!

[kellee]

I dont mind you venting.!! I totally understand where you are coming from right now.!! been there done that with both my Grandparents and now my Mother.!!

Hugs

kellee

if you want to vent, PM me anytime.!!

[KathieB]

Cathy, your frustration is understandable and your efforts commendable. :groucho:

Keep in mind that a serious illness of a loved one arouses complex emotions, and how individuals deal with them varies widely. On one end of the spectrum are people like you, who embrace the opportunity to share the time left, and on the other are the people who deny to themselves the seriousness of the illness in an attempt to protect themselves from the inevitable hurt.

Their previous actions indicate that they really care about your grandmother. You may not be comfortable with how they expressed it, but that is who they are. Your aunt may wish to remember your grandmother as she was two years ago, not as someone weak and dying. Or she may even feel that by not acknowledging the seriousness of the situation, she can protect the loved one. Denial is a strong mechanism for self-protection.

I hope at least one cousin will come to visit. But if not, please take comfort in knowing that you and your mother are there for your grandmother. And that we are here for you.

[havanaholly]

Kathie expressed it very well. You come right ahead & vent! Not everyone is up to coming to say goodby to a loved one, it's very hard to let go. They'll live with the consequences of their actions, and your grandma has you & your mom who have been there for her all along.

[jujurodgers]

so sorry you are having such a difficult time!!! impending death is such a powerfully emotional time!!! I have lost both my parents and had a brother, he was only 45, who died from liver cancer several years ago. I was not around for my mother, i was 18 and had recently left home (she had luekemia for 10 yrs and it was actually a sudden death really), but was there with my dad (as were all the siblings) and my brother in alaska. all the emotions and different ways of dealing with the loved one is just so chaotic! I surely wish you the best and you are lucky to have your mother and grandmother!!! and they you!!! big hugs and love and thoughts!!! and go ahead and vent, I think we are all, in some wonderful way, seemingly kindred spirits in here :groucho:

[chattycathy66]

Thanks to you all for your wonderful support and kind words :groucho:! It has helped

My "head" knows all about guilt and denial and grieving --I got a Bachelor's degree in psychology before deciding to change careers to nursing. I've probably said many of the same words to my patients' families. My heart on the other hand is entirely different. It doesn't care about their discomfort or excuses. For the longest time, I didn't care if they came--actually didn't want them to come and interfere. But I have watched how hurt my grandma is-I suppose if she is "ok" with them not visiting her in 2 and 3 yrs, why should it bother me? Let them be comfortable in their denial, ( I recently heard someone say "It's always sunny in Denial") but I hope they leave their guilt in Vegas when they come for the funeral and when the estate is settled. I have had both inlaws die with in 2 yrs of each other, and my husband's grandmother as well. Among the 8 kids, at least 2 or 3 had problems with at least one of the 3 people. His familly is now totally destroyed because of how guilt turned them against each other.

I myself am a huge avoider, but have been forced to face the uncomfortable-I would love to be able to remember her as she was and not have to watch this happen, put her on bedpans, clean her behind, clean her dentures, pack up her apartment where she was so happy and sit with her while she cries...but in forcing myself to go every week, I have been given a wonderful gift-the gift of time I will take comfort in the fact that I was given the honor to spend this time with her...she said over and over today, "What would I do without you two?" I told her she was lucky, because she would never have to find out

I am moving on....I hope

[justmesue]

You can't change your family members or how they feel. I say to heck with the lot of them! You contacted them, therefore you did your part. You can't let how they act, don't act affect the way you are feeling. It will just make you feel worse about the situation. Not seeing Gramma is their loss, and no doubt at some point they will regret it. Your Gramma has you, and that is what counts. You must do what is right for you. In the end you will be at peace with yourself, and that is what matters.

Hugs for you and your family.

[jujurodgers]

I have been given a wonderful gift-the gift of time I will take comfort in the fact that I was given the honor to spend this time with her...

That is so true! well for those people who see that it is such a gift! and you are amazing! :groucho:

[JuliesBoyz]

I can't say anything (important) that hasn't already been said, but yes, feel free to vent anytime! Sometimes talking (or writing) it all out is its own healing mechanism. The important thing is that you are being true to yourself. They always say "no one ever wishes on their deathbed that they had spent more time at work or bought such and such..." and it is true. Hang in there. Deaths in the family (or other similar hardships) have a way of tearing apart weak bonds and strengthening the good ones. Lots of cyber hugs ...

[LLyn M.]

Hi Cathy,good to hear from you...even with a sad subject.You can't make people do want you want or what they should- we're all responsible for ourselves and our choices.

Sounds like Grandma is getting the love and support from your family and that's what counts!!You have a kind heart! Blessings and peace of mind to you!! :groucho:

[chattycathy66]

Thanks everyone:)

I guess the hardest thing for me to believe is that I would have to "make" them come. I'm just so shocked that after as close as they used to be to my grandma--she practically raised those girls,that they wouldn't have come on their own--and that they hadn't visited in almost 3 yrs--before the economy tanked.

My cousin called last nite...sounds like I've "guilted" them into coming,lol. My cousin said they're planning for about 3 weeks from now..she said she'll keep me updated about when they're coming. I told her in so many words that really wasn't necessary,come when you can...it's not about me...it doesn't matter to me (believe me, I said this as nicely as possible) if you come or not---it's for her...and it's all about what you can live with if she died and you didn't get to say goodbye. It things keep going as they've been, she might not even last 3 more weeks...

Feeling better everyday, everytime I get irritated about the situation, I just keep thinking about how lucky I've been to get this time:) That's all I can do I guess:) Thanks again :lol:

[kellee]

Cathy, You are a wonderful person... I know it is hard... I am dealing with issues with my Mother and it is very hard. My mother has a sister and a twin brother... that she has not seen in 15 years... Her sister lives about an hour away and visits our area every Friday. I have seen her numerous times, her twin brother lives here within a few minutes but dont want anyone to know where.. I have no idea why. She does not want anything from them and I dont understand. But they will have to live with that. You have done your duty in notifing them and it is up to them to make the next move. Your Grandma is very lucky to have you and she knows you care and love her and that is all that matters.

Hugs

kelleee