Best friends splitting up.

24 posts in this topic

Hi,

Feel a bit funny posting this here. Haven't been posting here that long, but I do not know who else to talk to.

I found out last night that our best friends are splitting up. They've been together 11 years and there's no one else involved, he's just told her he doesn't love her anymore. I have not had chance to speak to her yet (hubby told me when he got in from work this morning) but I do not not what to say. I keep thinking of myself in that position and its scary. He told hubby that he had been feeling this way for a few months. She wants to go to counselling but do not know what he thinks about that. Hubby is going out with him this afternoon to have a proper talk, so I feel I should then get in touch with her, although I know she's got her mum down to stay. I also keep thinkling that if he can hide it that well that long, then so could my husband and how would I know. ;)

This couple are like our clones. We all met when we were working in the same casino 10 years ago. Me and Sallie are the same age and my hubby and simon are the same age (5 years younger than us) We moved away from home about 9 years ago and they followed about 5 years ago. Simon works in the same place and the same shifts as hubby, and me and sallie work in the same place and same shifts. They live just down the road from us. They have the same sex children approx the same age. When we decided to get married in jamaica last year, we invited them as witnesses and they decided to get married there too. We always go on holiday together and have one booked for October. (This similarties have really bugged me in the past, but now I feel bad for even thinking about it).

And I keep having selfish thoughts like how dissapointed my daughter will be that their daughter will not be going on holiday with us, and how awkward I'm going to feel when I see them. :D

Just dont know what to do or say - and it isn't even happening to me.

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Rachel, though you don't know what to say to Sally, I think you already do from your post. This is an example of how divorce affects not just the two people involved splitting up, but their friends, and family. If I were you, I would just go over and visit Sally and give her some encouragement and support, let her know you will still be there for her and your children will still play together, etc. The best thing you and hubby can do is to be there as a support and not take sides, but listen and show you care. There is no winner in a divorce situation, and sad to say but the person who usually 'feels that way for a long time,' doesn't realize the impact of their actions. Just show you care, which I can tell you do. And it's normal to have thoughts such as those, I have had friends that split and it was painful to watch.

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Rachel, I've been that woman and I can say that she will want your friendship and don't ever take sides even if you feel that one has wronged the other. It's their marriage and they will work it out the best they can for them. Be there for her, she's going to need a shoulder to cry on.

Wendy

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Cheers for listening.

Invited her round for a drink this afternoon, but she didn't feel up to it. We should both be at work tomorrow night so will prob see her then if she goes in.

Dh spent the afternoon with her dh (or should that just be h) today. He just sounds confused. Feels like he's just wasted his 20's (he will be 30 in September) and is fed up with the day in day out sameness of work and looking after the kids!!

Mid life crisis 10 years early if you ask me. ;)

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Mid life crisis 10 years early if you ask me.

That & a bit of "poor pitiful ME". If it had been Sallie instead of him I bet he'd be howling! I know it's probably not going to work, but you might suggest to her she ask HIM to introduce her to some of his single friends, since she's going to be unattached soon, and see how his little male ego reacts <evil grin & little horns peeking out>...

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LOL -

he did mention to my DH that he didn't want to leave his kids without a father. DH said they would more than likely have a new father in a couple of years and that shook him up a bit.

Really dont think he has thought this through ;)

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(he will be 30 in September) and is fed up with the day in day out sameness of work and looking after the kids!!

I think your friend should tell her (hopefully) soon to be ex that she wants him to have custody of the children (even if it aint true). Tell him that she loves the idea of being single and free, and that the kids would be much better off with their father. Bottom line, you got kids, they're your kids even if you decide you need a comb over and a Grand Prix (aka Midlifecrisismobile).

He's gonna be 30 soon? Oh My God! What is he going to do? He's nearly dead! Midlife crisis? No way, this guy's just realized he's still an infant!

Can some one go change his nappy before he starts crying?

My advice to your friend, look at it this way: good riddance to bad garbage. Go find a man, not a boy.

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rotflmbo!!! I always thought that WAS the "midlife crisis"!!!

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LMAO!!!

Andrew! I spit out my coffee again!

Midlife crisis at 30? ;)

I am 37 and dh is 40 and we STILL act like lil kids toward each other. We joke that we are going to be giving each other wet willys in the home!

He sounds like a spoiled brat!

Uhhh! I cant blow my paycheck on what I wannnnnttt

Uhhh! I cant go to happy hour with my friendsssss

Uhhhh! I dont want to grow uppppp

He doesnt need a divorce, he needs a slap! LOL He was grown up enough to get married, and he was grown up enough to help make those children. Sorry Charlie like it or not..You are a grown up!

I dont like it either but I do it. No one is gleeful of paying bills, chickenpox, car repairs, 9-5s, dryer lint, dirty diapers, and all the other stuff that comes with the life he chose.

(Wow, I can almost see NYC from this soapbox)

Your friend might be better off. Hopefully they can get some counseling (he might need some individual) and work it out.

But if they dont, she can go out and find a man...a grown up man!

(okay box is free now)

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Cheers guys.

We think he is just screwed up, but obviously it is hard for my friend to see that at the mo.

What makes us laugh is his comment that he wishes he was more like my DH.

We've been together for 10 years since my dh was 19 and I was 24. We have a mortgage and a car we cant afford :D:D Between us we work 6 days a week and only have 1 quality day off together. We have a 4 year old and 1 year who can be such hard work and expensive, but so so so worth it. DH doesn't think he has wasted his 20's. We both think we have got a great life and so lucky to have got what we've got. We wouldn't change it for the world.

They have an almost identical life - so we cant see his problem ;)

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Now now, guys, we can't all gang up the guy. Would we really want him to stay in this relationship if he isn't happy? Would his wife really want him to stay with her just for the kids if he didn't care for her? I agree with Andrew, his wife should be celebrating the fact that he wants out. Obviously, the grass looks better on the other side and you can be sure, all is NOT being said, Rachel. If he didn't want to have his kids grow up with another man in the home and he wanted to be more like your dear husband then these ideas of his wouldn't even be on his mind. I'd almost bet he's having an affair or is about to and he's feeling guilty and trying to justify it. I hope I'm wrong.

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I agree wendy. I was just having a pre-coffee feminist moment!

I wouldnt want to stay with someone that felt the way he did either. If he is NOT having an affair, maybe counseling would help him. It makes me wonder why all of a sudden he decided he doesnt want to be married.

But I am a lil correct in thinking that he is bored and doesnt want the responsibilities of LIFE. He needs to grow up for his own sake and the sake of his kids. He will be their father forever. And he may decide to remarry and he should learn about himself first before he does something like this again!

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And he may decide to remarry and he should learn about himself first before he does something like this again!

Hmph. DH's brother's sixth marriage seems to be the one that works, we decided HE married a grown-up!

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Wow, sorry to hear about your friends. I feel more for the woman in this particular relationship. If he wants out, he should go. It's hard to be in a marriage with someone who isn't happy and doesn't want to be there. I know this from experience. Getting divorced is tough, especially if you have children. suffering thru such an unhappy marriage especially when your spouse has wandering eyes or is already emotionally gone is unbearable. If both partners know that the marriage needs help and really want to put an effort into rejuvenating the relationship, then counseling works. Counseling doesn't work for a relationship where one partner has one foot out the door, even if there is a temporary fix, it delays the inevitable. Counseling for your friend as an individual is VERY helpful tho. Encourage her in that, it will help her considerably to get thru such a hard time, even if they do stay together. Good luck to your friend.

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I think your friend should tell her (hopefully) soon to be ex that she wants him to have custody of the children (even if it aint true). Tell him that she loves the idea of being single and free, and that the kids would be much better off with their father.

You know I always tell my husband that I think it is a shame that more husbands don't end up with the kids to raise. Most men automatically assume the kids will be with "Mom". If he think life is hard now, let him think about beig a single father and see how hard it is :blink:

I have to say I am with Andrew on this one. I was a single parent and maybe he needs a wake up call so he can appreciate what he has. Have he seen the movie "click"?

Sometimes men think we want the biggest house, finest jewels and they may have a great wife that don't want any of the material BIG things in life (just the nessecities and a small surprise every now and again is cool too), they just want to be WITH there husbands (Quality time and all). My husband used to think big gifts and things are more important to me than time (I stressed to him that when they buy big things, it only means more time "away" from the family).

I think marriage counseling may be the best and it does sound scary when you see a couple go through this.

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Whenever DH & I had a fight he knew it was time to back down when I offered to leave and let him have custody of our three boys (all boy, a yard wide & one is bipolar!). Next month we celebrate our 43rd wedding anniversary...

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Ho Hum - seems there was someone else :D

Not yet a full blown affair (he wanted to wait until they had split to ease the guilt!!) but a lot of '''harmless flirting - secret e-mails and texts, gift buying, and explicit photos changing hands ^_^ :o

He spoke to councillor and told her he wanted to come clean because he now realised he didn't just want cheap meaningless sex, but his wife family and life as it was before. Scarily, the councillor told him that he should not tell his wife everything as in her experience it will only cause more damage (and obviously keeping secrets does not!!) And these people get paid £45 an hour to give this advice :p

Anyhow, the shoe is now on the other foot and it is he who is begging her to stay, saying they can work it out and that their marriage is worth fighting for.

Saw her last night and she does want it to work, but doesn't kow how she can get over what he has done. She is speaking to a councillor tonight.

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Yikes! It's been my experience that once someone has crossed the line it makes it that much easier for them the next time. I'm not saying it happens in all cases . . . just most!

I think in this situation, SHE should decide if SHE wants to stay with him and work it out. No more MRS. nice guy! and he'd better make some serious changes!!

Not only that, but how do you trust someone again after they've put you through that? I'm just wondering . . .

Oh, and about that counsellor . . . where the heck did she get her degree from????? The school of let's not be totally honest with our spouse?!!!!

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when my boys were very small like 2 and 4 my DH went to work in TX with his father...the plan was to get settled and move us all there...well that didnt work out to well. after about 1 year of working on it we did get back together...it was hard WORK! but the one thing he did that helped me was be HONEST whenever I questioned him about anything! yes it hurt to hear about the things he did but ultimatly as time goes on and he was committed to our marriage and our children we moved past it.

your friend has to make a hard choice about her life right now. and most men do stray once they've done it before...I was lucky.... lots are not. the counsler is a quack job!

honesty is always the BEST policy even if it hurts.

good luck to your friend!

nutti :D

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And that, nutti, is what makes a great marriage and a loving relationship. Working through the mistakes together and actually getting past them.

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:wacko: Peanuts, I still can't get over that 'dh' came clean, told the marriage counselor he didn't want --how was it he referred to it? :D 'cheap, meaningless sex' :D and the counselor said--don't tell your wife!

1- your friend needs to fire the marriage counselor, or stop going. With advice from 'experts' like that--might as well save your money and use the money for a really good divorce attorney.

2- sounds like hubby is a wuss. out and out. he's 30 and hasn't figured out life isn't a cakewalk. Doogster, I laughed myself silly at your answer! Way to go!

3- I would show 'dh' who's wasted his life the door and tell him to experience life as it really is, not with wife available to wash his clothes, cook his meals. :p Then let's see if there is time to flirt, send illicit emails, because of that extra part time job he will need to make ends meet. :D

I know I'm being hard on this guy here folks, but I agree with Holly.....and Doogster...anyone who has time to waste on a pity party worrying about how he's wasted his life isn't a positive influence on adults, much less kids. My first ex was the same way....I too would ask for a list of his friends, since she will be available and will need to build up her social calendar--which will be free now that she no longer has to pick up and cleanup after this overgrown kid! ;) :D

**Doogster, I have a Grand Prix, pretty old-- :p but they do rock! Didn't realize it was a midlifecrisis car! :D But she rolls on rails even though she is pretty old! I call mine Betty Boop (don't know why, she just "biddy-boops" down the highway................ B)

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Major Hugs for your friend!

One of the first things she should do above all else is go and get tested for STDs. She needs to protect herself health-wise for those kids of hers.

Then she should go to counseling (not that one! :D ) and take dh too. If they want to work it out, they have to figure out what went wrong in the first place.

I do not condone cheating (physically or otherwise) but you know the saying..It takes two!

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One of the first things she should do above all else is go and get tested for STDs.

Heidi, you are so right about this. She could be in danger and not know it. What if he has not told her the "Whole Story"? Yeap, that would be my first thing to do if it were me.

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In our health departments when people get tested for STDs we knee-jerk offered HIV testing & counselling. Just FYI for your friend, Rachel.

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