Jump to content

10y daughter & I in conflict over doll houses


glen

Recommended Posts

Kavita and I are in conflict over her houses. I always thought she was selfish about playing her houses but I shut up and listened to her a couple of days ago. Now I'm sad,

I like things to be used.

In ten years she's never "played" with her dolls house more than a few times.

Her friends love it and want to spend hours playing with it. In the majority very carefully and I love it. They love the lights, the working electric garage doors,the cars. it's there to be enjoyed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Every time they leave it's all been tidied and rearranged. Thats what it's for isn't it?? Isn't that why I've spent HOURS building and deigning things for it?????

The other day she said she doesn't like her friends playing with it. ????????? She wants it as a display ???!!!!????

Then I looked around her neatly organised 10yo room (Big doll house is in the lounge)

Her GL Haunted house mounted on a Lazy Suzan so it's easy to play with...............set up as a display

Her lego stuff (lots of it) All carefully mounted ontop of her book case as a display.

her Fairy house and associated toys, mounted as a display.

etc etc

She isn't being selfish, she's being herself. She doesn't "play" with dolls!!!!!!!

But she likes it on display.

To me, if it isn't used - out the door!

I've always told her, If they break anything in the house while playing it'll be fixed or replaced. It's there to be used.

But it's her house. If she doesn't want it played with it should I prevent her friends playing with it??

But if it isn't used I don't know if I want to build it anymore. That sort of seems a waste of time.

What do I do?????????????????? :badmood::rain::badmood:

In her defence one girls brother played with it and broke several bikes and damaged a P5B Rover I'd bought. Another girl tried the wrong switch so the garage door didn't open so she forced it, stuff does get damaged but personaly I don't care. kavita and her mother however go crazy about that kind of thing. But I just fix or replace it.

When we have guests they are all shown the house and all the "Things it does and has". Theres lots of oohs and aarrr's and that so cool, your so lucky, and then it's all turned off and shut away again.

I don't know what to do.

Now when something happens she goes " Two words Dad. "Display!""

And damit thats only one word!

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, as far as I can tell, it's still being used if she enjoys having it to look at and appreciate. It's still being used because she can show it off and it makes imprints on her heart that her mother makes them for her. We don't "use" clocks in a hands-on manner, we look at them. Same as picture frames. They're still used and serve a purpose though.

  • Like 8
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Glen, maybe you're looking at it from the wrong perspective - you made those for her and she treasures it. She also might not want to share something so special that you made only for her, with others.

She is ten, so at that age she still acts more from 'instinct' than anything else (frontal lobe not fully developed at that age - neuronal connections not all there yet - to say it simply. Frontal lobe is associated with reasoning, analysis and all that good stuff). Considering all that - she might not be able to explain to you why she wants the houses as 'displays'.

Maybe the houses give her some unconscious feeling of security, a solid presence of you in her life just by looking at them and in order to have that feeling they have to look 'just so'.

Maybe they are a part of you and her that she does not want to share you (and her bond with you over the houses) with others.

Maybe the houses are special to her because no one else has them.

If she didn't appreciate the houses, she would not care if they break, but she does. She values them highly.

And, most importantly, you are a man. You think practical. Women don't have to do that, we can be irrationally emotional about stuff without having to explain ourselves to men - that's a female prerogative - hahahaha .

I would suggest to just let her go on as is. What you are giving her with those houses is precious and unique to her and you. Maybe you should just ask her if she is okay with other kids playing with the houses. If she is not - don't let them. But asking her to share, or building a more sturdy playhouse might 'belittle' this special bond and take away from it.

Of course, I don't know if any of this is applicable to you and your daughter - I'm just offering one possible explanation and I'm sure there might be a lot of other possibilities why she acts like that. She is a kid, after all.

  • Like 8
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think I'm on the page with Candice and Chris. The bond that you created while building and the ongoing accessorizing is the key ingredient that is the one to focus on. She is treasuring your relationship over the technicality that you see of its use and purpose to "play" with in your definition of what playing with it involves. To her (and her mother) the house represents the specialness of the relationship in an abstract way where you look at it in a concrete way. I wouldn't force her to allow others to play with it. Her personality seems to be quite orderly and neat. It probably really hits her deep inside when someone "messes up" her order.

Keep being the dear old dad that you are and keep on accessorizing and adding new things. She'll be all grown up and out of the house before you blink. Trust me, I'm on my third family and it all happens wa-a-a--a-ay too fast and then you're alone with the emptiness.

  • Like 6
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have to say that this annoyed the daylights out of me. It's her house and if she doesn't want her friends to play with it so she can arrange it and care for it how she wants, then she should be able to. If it is so important that her friends be allowed to play with a house, make one just for her friends only. I don't allow anyone to play with MY houses. They are mine. I play with them when I clean them, changing furniture, moving dolls.

Like was stated, you have clocks - you look at them but you don't handle them and if you think they serve a purpose, well you really only need one in the house don't you? All the others are 'extras'. I am sure you don't let the neighbors drive your car. Why not? Maybe they don't have one or like yours better. Do you have plants in your yard? Flowers? You don't 'need' them, they are nice to look at.

Enjoy the fact that your daughter likes what you built at all.

  • Like 8
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sorry Glen, I am with the ladies on this one, except I have to agree that "display" is one word and not two.

Think of it this way. What if you had to constantly fix the dollhouse lights and garage door because Kavita's friends break something everytime they come for a visit. And let's imagine you having to glue and re-glue delicate mininature furniture pieces for the same reason.

If that were the case, then one day when you are tired of the constant fix-up jobs, you would likely suggest that your daughter be careful with her friends when they play with her things. Now suppose Kavita's response is something like, "Aw Dad, it's just a toy," or "But Dad, that's what it is there for." Then I would say she doesn't appreciate the time and money you put into these projects because she is just a kid and lives for the moment.

Plus after awhile, I don't think that type of response would be a motivator to drive you back to the drawing board. If you don't feel like building her more minature projects because she takes care of them, you sure wouldn't want to if she didn't take care of them.

With that being said, I think your 10-year-old is probably very mature for her age. Children like to play with their things, but not the same way that collectors do, and I think Kavita is looking at this from a collector's viewpoint. Adult dollhouse owners rearrange their miniatures to suit themselves - not their friends, and your daughter seems very neat and tidy in general. I don't believe she is possessive, but I do feel she is responsible.

On the other hand, she is only 10 and still your little girl. That is probably why you love to see her playing with her friends and giving her something she can share with them. It probably gives you a certain pride, which is natural, but you can still be proud when she shows her houses as displays.

You may want to ask her if there is something you can build for her that she wouldn't mind her friends playing with. Then she can have one item for play, while all the others are for show only. That sounds like a good compromise of interests for you and Kavita and for Kavita and her friends.

In short, she is lucky to have you for a Dad, and you are lucky to have her for a daughter. She sounds like a great kid, and one day you will be grateful she can hand these displays down to your grandchildren instead of telling them she once had a dollhouse that got ruined from too much rough play. - And Glen, if you still feel the dollhouse is being wasted, I will be more than happy to come visit so that I can play with the garage door!

  • Like 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Glen, here's another completely different view. So far, you have been building for your daughter and gave the things to her. I agree that she should be able to do with them as she sees fit. They were gifts to her. Just be happy that she loves and cares for them.

Now the different part... How about building something for yourself? It should be something that you have always wanted to own. Maybe something like the ultimate woodworking shop or an architect's office in miniature. It doesn't matter what it is. Just as long as it is yours. I think that you will come to understand how she feels. If it's yours, you will not want others playing with it either.

Most of us, that build things for ourselves, really aren't crazy about other people coming in and messing with them. Now... Go forth and build your dream miniature...

  • Like 6
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh that's a wonderful suggestion Casey.

Glen, didn't you used to build models of airplanes or boats or something on that line?

Maybe a wonderful marina and loads of cool sailing ships and such.

Landscaping would be such a cool challenge for you.

Bet with that 3D printer of yours, you could come up with some pretty cool items.

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes I am in agreement. Its her house she enjoys it "her way" so it is being used. I don't blame her one bit for not wanting her friends to mess with it. I am the same way about my dollhouses! :p Good Luck! :)

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Here's another vote for letting Kavita enjoy the house as she wishes. Not all little girls like to play with dolls, and not all children play with their toys the same way. Be glad none of her friends are like the group of kids who came to play with a coworker's grandchild for whom I had built a dollhouse; their idea of playing with it consisted of seeing how quickly and thoroughly they could destroy it into a pile of splinters.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Trying to picture what it would be like to walk into my daughters room and have everything arranged perfectly...... nope, can't picture it. What I hear is that your daughter is particular about her things. It is frustrating for a child to have others come in and "mess with their stuff", particularly if they break it.

My daughters friends seem to have much more interest in the houses I have built but that is typical. It is not theirs. If it were, in a few days or weeks they too would not be as excited about it.

We all love our dollhouses on this forum but not many of us play with them and I for one don't spend a lot of time looking at it either, but that does not detract from how much i like it. It would bother me if people went in and moved things around and I had to go back in and make things the way I wanted them.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Glen, a gift is a gift. The giver really has no say over how the recipient uses the gift. Your gift is a wonderful dollhouse for Kavita. I'm sure, since she's so protective of it, that she treasures your gift and appreciates it. But once given, you give up control. There's nothing in the Givers Handbook, however, that says you are permitted any control over how it is used or by whom. But you do seem to keep hovering around making repairs, eh? Maybe she doesn't see it as really hers, since Daddy keep playing with it. :hmm:

The suggestions to 1) ask her if there's something she'd like you to build that her friends can play with or 2) build something to suit yourself are good ones. In the latter case, I'll bet Kavita would treasure it, too, when she is older and really understands the effort that goes into each build.

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

One of my kids was not much of a handler--he arranged his things and kept them "nice." My daughter played with everything--toy, knickknack, furniture. You can imagine the conflict when she touched big brother's things. I kept my things nice, too, but have always been of the opinion toys are to be played with. I think it's just an inborn disposition and if she doesn't want the other kids to play with her house, it deserves respect. (She know her friends just as we all knew ours, and may know they WILL spoil her things.) Being ten, she's looking to you to enforce the rules for her. It took me a long time to understand my son's play was to admire and imagine, not touch and move. He's still that way. My daughter still moves things to trigger her imagination.

  • Like 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would freak out if someone came over to my house and " played" with one of my dollhouses. Playing with my house to me, means sitting and staring at it Lol ;) best of luck you sound like a great Dad :-) I agree with whoever said build one for her friends to play with when they come over, a seperate one from her "collection".

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with everything said above and can understand both sides of the story. I want to add a third ingredient to the mix: what if she is living such a rich INNER world with the same houses that you've built, that anyone disturbing the actual dollhouse accessories, are "messing up" her storyline?

I lived in an inner world instead of a physical one, and I would use my dollhouse as a setting for amazing imaginary adventures. Since the dolls didn't move about as much as actors in a soap opera could, I had to use my imagination and my house was my scene and furniture were props. I liked to leave things a certain way, as it represented my control over my world and also prompted the next adventure in the "Days of our Lives Dollhouse version".

For all we know, Kavita might be a budding scriptwriter or novelist or animator and these displays are the foundations for something amazing.

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with all the advice in the previous posts,and just want to add that it's pretty basic,your little girl is just growing up and growing into 'who' she is going to be! :):

http://www.progressfocusedapproach.com/raising-kids-to-become-autonomous-individuals/

I hope you will take all our advice in the spirit offered and the best suggestion to me was to build something for yourself to play with and enjoy! :)

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow you ladies are So mean - no support for me at all?

Well I've spoken with her and we're going to t put some lights and gear into the gl house and let visitors play with it.

I'll put some wheels under its plinth So we can wheel it out when we have visitors.

last time I come here for sympathy & support. lol

  • Like 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh, Glen, I can sympathize totally. It took me a great long time to figure out that what I did for my stepdaughters wasn't as wonderful in their eyes as it was in mine. I'd do or make something for them that I thought would make them happy (based on how I would have felt if someone had done something similar for me), only to be rebuffed, and often rather rudely. They were not experiencing the event/object with the benefit of my experience -- how could they? And I wasn't very good at reading what was going on in their heads, either. Communication is a tricky business at best, and with children it can be totally baffling.

I'm glad that you and Kavita found a compromise. Looking forward to photos. :)

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow you ladies are So mean - no support for me at all?

Well I've spoken with her and we're going to t put some lights and gear into the gl house and let visitors play with it.

I'll put some wheels under its plinth So we can wheel it out when we have visitors.

last time I come here for sympathy & support. lol

Oh, Glen--I am with you--it's to play with. All the things I make and give--dollhouses, furnishing, stuffed toys, quilts, clothing, etc.- are to be used, not "saved" for later. All I meant to say was your daughter's attitude reminds me of my son and I had a very hard time with it, too. (He's 40 now!) I am in awe of your remakable work--so gorgeous and detailed--she may be in awe of it, too.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Glen, honey, none of us intended meanness towards you. We were offering some insights into Kavita's respect for her daddy's gift. Some children have a more mature play mind set (as Lene described).

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Lol Glen. Women just gang up on you all the time eh?

I think it's awesome that you came to a compromise by giving guests a 'playhouse' so your daughter (and your wife) will have their special showhouse.

My mother used to buy Legos for my girls and they spent hours and hours making detailed vehicles and buildings and put them on a shelf for display. One would talk about how she wanted to take them to put in her house when she was old enough. Well, some kids came to visit and my mother let them take everything apart and play with them. My girls were so angry they never touched them again. They thought the Legos were 'theirs'.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Glen, just build houses for us - we will appreciate them and you don't have to watch us not play with them. Instead we could tape ourselves going nuts when the box you ship it in will arrive..... hahahaha

So, here is my name on the list for a Glen House.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would freak out if someone came over to my house and " played" with one of my dollhouses. Playing with my house to me, means sitting and staring at it Lol ;) best of luck you sound like a great Dad :-) I agree with whoever said build one for her friends to play with when they come over, a seperate one from her "collection".

I'm with you, Karin. Playing to me also means sitting and staring. I play with my dollhouse a lot, and it gets great usage.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I hope we didn't really offend you,Glen. Your daughter is very lucky you care enough to give of yourself in such a wonderful way. A lot of us don't have our fathers with us anymore and some never had daughters,to make such sweet memories with,so you are a very lucky person you have that still. Just remember,she's an individual,and you have to let her be herself. If that means using the dollhouse in a different way than you had expectations,just don't let it hurt your feelings. I am sure she loves the house as much as you expected,just in her own way. ^_^

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...